Melat's precious prayer this morning

" God I'm so glad Jivenson is with you...but I really wish he was still alive, amen."

It's not me

Some days I feel so angry that God took Jivenson from us before we even had the chance to have him with us. Some days I just feel so sad and don't want to see another human being. Some days I feel lost. I take each day as it comes and try not to think about tomorrow. With my two girls that's hard to do. Yesterday I was a mess but today was good, I saw a friend and her kids and she even took the girls for a few hours so I could have some time. I smiled and even laughed a little.
Any strength I feel or trust I feel in God's plan for Jivenson and for us, is not me. It's not Jessica. I'm telling you. It's the Holy Spirit, it's the prayers of those around us who loved Jivenson and love us.

Our family

Remembering Jivenson

On Saturday we held a memorial service in our home to remember our son with those who knew and loved him. It was such a beautiful time of sharing and worship. We loved hearing the memories people had of him and we were reminded once again how incredibly special he was.

Saying Goodbye

Tuesday morning we flew to Haiti in our funeral clothes. When we arrived there, we drove to Hope House, saw Mallery and Frentz and met the amazing medical team that has been serving there this week and was with Jivenson when he passed away. We then went to the Viewing. Some of the nannies who work at Hope House met us there. We walked into this room with some chairs set up and flowers arranged around a small white casket. There he was...lying there. It was so surreal and I felt like I was outside of myself. People got up and talked about how much they loved Son Son... he was like one of their own, like their own flesh and blood. One nanny sang from her heart and others spoke beautiful words. I couldn't believe we were sitting there and I wanted to be anywhere else but there...but in the same moment I never wanted to leave. When it was time, I just looked at that sweet face once more. In Haiti, when someone dies they wail and mourn. They also take a picture of the deceased and keep it with them, but never look at it again. The reality in Haiti is that the time of mourning is short, because life goes on there in a crushingly real way. In part, I don't want to move on. I'm not ready to do that.
We've already been asked a couple times if we're going to look for another child to adopt.
Not now.... I can't even imagine wanting another child and the girls want Son Son as their brother. But that is not to be.... we do believe that God has put adoption in our hearts and it has taken root. We will wait and trust that growing our family will be in our future and we pray God will bless us with another child, whenever that may be. I have imagined Jivenson filling that chair at the dining room table, sleeping in that spare room and him playing on the living room floor for too long to imagine another child in those places. It was him. Jivenson, we love you so much and always will

Grief

These last 2 days have been a blur...tears, heartache, weeping, anger and then we had to tell the girls. They had their first ever dance recitals yesterday so we waited to tell them until after and when we began Wesli asked if Jivenson was very sick. No, he's not sick, not anymore. He went to heaven, his little body is free from the pain. Tears, questions...why? He was too young, he should have been older before he died, when he comes home will he still have died? Oh, and now he gets to be with Great Grandpa. Yes he does and there is the Hope. That's it. Inside of all the crushing emotion, there it is, in some moments just barely. The hope that death is not the end because Christ took away the hopelessness of death, it's sting is gone. We hold fast to the promise that God is in the business of redemption, He is making all things new. He healed this child that we loved so deeply, but not how we hoped, not how we wanted. And there's the anger...we can say that yes he's in a better place and that God just wanted him back but I don't want God to have him now WE WANT HIM! I don't want him in heaven, I WANT HIM HERE IN MY ARMS! And God can handle it...all the questions, anger and sadness.
We leave for Haiti tomorrow, the funeral will be on Wednesday. Being here so far away is surreal, we just imagined him in all these rooms, we "met" him right here in our kitchen on my computer screen. But there in Haiti, at the airport, at Hope House, that's where we held him for the first time, the last time.....

Our Son

This is the first picture we ever saw of Jivenson and when we saw it we knew, we knew that he would be ours. And he was ours but only from afar....now he is gone. He slipped away from us yesterday for forever and i can't believe he's gone