My first months with Melat were not ideal and were not what I had expected.My love for Melat began before we even knew her name. It is difficult to explain, but it can be likened to being pregnant and loving the child in your womb before they are born. They are a part of you, a part of your future and you will fight for them and protect them at all costs.
That love grew as we saw her face, knew her name and read her medical report over and over. We ate up every picture we received from our agency and other families who visited the orphanage.When we met her for the first time and the nanny put her in my arms she screamed. She cried anytime I took her. She cried when we left the orphanage, all the way to the hotel and that first night we put her to bed. But after all of that, she wanted me, not Kevin.And in the days and months that followed all she wanted was me. Precious, good for attachment but incredibly hard. I did not anticipate how hard that would be, how smothered I would feel and how much I would mourn the life I knew before. I could not sleep, or go anywhere alone. I could not run, my personal form of therapy, and I did not handle it graciously. My lack of sleep, the jet lag following the trip, the fact that I did not feel a lot of warm fuzzies in that situation left me feeling crushed with guilt that turned to shame. This was all secondary of course to the pain and incredible adjustment Melat faced every day as she acclimated to her new life.
We sought wise counsel and it helped immensely but our greatest healer has been time. Healing, not just for our relationship, but for the brokenness that comes with adoption, no matter how ideal.Adopting Melat brought all of my flaws and weaknesses to the surface and it hurt. But she truly amazes me. Melat is sweet, loving, nurturing, brave, hilarious & honest, among many other things. I love her magnetic personality! As a child I was a bit more timid and shy of others but Melat is confident and bold..it's something that I admire so in her. When Melat first came home and things were hard, I loved her. I felt a mama-bear, throw-myself-in-front-of- traffic, protect-her-from-hurt kind of love. The part of the love I did not naturally feel was the warm, cuddly love. But it has fully come. Our journey has not been easy, not been what I dreamed it would be. I admit I carry an edge of cynicism when I see bright eyed pre-adoptive parents just beginning their journey. It's not fair and I certainly was one too! NO ONE could have told me different, no one could have said anything to truly prepare me for what I would face. However, it has shaped the way I see the world, caused my lens to shift, I believe there is a reason and I would not change it. One verse I held onto when we began our adoption of Jivenson was Psalm 119:105. "Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path." I heard a sermon on this verse a few years ago. The speaker gave a picture of how much light from a lamp is thrown onto a dark path. The light from a lamp will not light the entire path in front of you...just enough to take a few steps. This has been my journey..not knowing what is before, trusting that God knows the way and I choose to walk in it. Melat is my child and I love her deeply, warm fuzzies and all.
